


And please, say to me you'll let me hold your hand (now let me hold your hand)

by Inspirationfeedscreatiivity



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Death, F/F, Major Character Injury, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-30
Updated: 2015-03-30
Packaged: 2018-03-18 02:11:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3552128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity/pseuds/Inspirationfeedscreatiivity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is only so much an eighteen year old girl fears, one of them being getting her heart broken by the one person that made her life complete. The only thing worse than that is when it's nobody's fault, it sure as hell isn't <em>hers</em>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And please, say to me you'll let me hold your hand (now let me hold your hand)

When you're little and someone asks you what you're most scared of losing, you say your parents because they are the most important people in your pretty little world. She said that as a five year old who had never met death or seen any pain, three years later she had to face that fear as her mother faded away with cancer. She still had her father, even though parts of him faded away with the one he loved. That was the first time she learned that love heals and breaks you in the same time.

Like two sides of the same coin, you can't have one without the other. 

When you reach the age where you begin to break away from everything that used to be you and your world to create an own reality, you say that you would die if you lost your friends because they have become your world. She almost did that once, when Danny got into that fight and no one stopped either of them. Luckily she didn't lose her. Through every injury and crushed bone they all recovered with a smile on their faces, no matter how many times they were knocked down she never had to say goodbye to neither of them. 

She knew that she was lucky.

When you fall in love for the first time people warn you about the heartache you will feel when it ends and they tell you that you will feel it, but one day you'll find someone that stays and they will complete you. That person will mend what has been broken. She said that she couldn't wait and that she was ready for whatever love meant- she had already forgotten about that first lesson. They tell you that things will be the same, they will always be the same. 

She believed them. Then she met _her_.

Everything changed as _she_ became a part of her life. And yes, she felt heartache and spent too many nights falling asleep with tears running down her face. But _she_ stayed. _She_ stayed even though people promised that it couldn´t work. _She _stayed even though _her_ family loathed _her_ for it, called _her_ names and at the end shut _her_ out. _She_ stayed because _she_ had felt it too.__

_She_ promised to stay no matter what the world put in their path.

She believed every word that came from _her_ smiling lips and gave _her_ the same promises. Those promises were put to the test when she received that one call from an unknown number, when she had to listen to a woman telling her that she had to hurry, when her world turned black and she thought that they had been right. She should have remembered that first lesson and prepared herself. Because they were right. 

They had always been right. 

//

The first twenty days passed in a blur. Her life consisted of coffee, gossip magazines, never ending headaches and falling asleep one hand clutching to the sheets. Sometimes even to _her_ hand or arm. She always woke up with a dull ache in her body from sleeping in that position, but she refused to go home and leave _her_ alone for a moment longer than what was necessary. Those moments became fewer and fewer with every day because even if she wanted to leave, give the nurses space to do what they needed to do, she couldn't move. She just couldn't leave _her_ in the hands of strangers and let _her_ go through it alone- even though _she_ was far from aware of what was happening to _her_. 

_She_ had promised to say, so she did. 

One the second day, or really the first whole day, their friends arrived. They rushed in through the door and looked at her with wide eyes, still stained with traces of tears. Then, they looked at _her_. She counted internally as she watched them begin to cry and beg for _her_ to wake up. She counted, and counted, and counted until she lost track of everything. Until she realized that they were watching her, as they tried to read her and understand what her reaction meant. She wished that they knew so that they could tell her, because she had no idea what she was or should have been doing.

That was when she broke down- for the fifth time in the last twenty hours. Danny comforted her as best she could with tears forcing her to wipe her cheeks every now and then- she had never been a big fan of _their_ relationship, not publicly anyway, but that day she proved that she held more love and care for _her_ than she would ever admit in words. Perry and LaFontaine had shared the foot of the bed and sat there quietly for the rest of their stay, the only time they said anything it was when they told _her_ about the mess _she_ was making without even trying. She appreciated their attempts to joke about it, even though it couldn't suppress the storm of emotion that ravaged inside of her. 

She didn't cry anymore after they had left. Maybe there was nothing left in her for that. It felt like that anyway. 

She tried to quit her job within the first week when she realized that she couldn't bring herself to leave _her_. But her request was turned down on the spot as her boss, lovely Mr Anchard, told her to take as long as she needed. As long as _she_ needed. He promised that her job would be waiting for her when she would come back. He had said that it was no rush, that she was not allowed to come back until she really felt ready for it. In that moment she could have kissed Mr Anchard sloppily on the mouth and sworn to dedicate the rest of her life to his little coffee shop. She knew of course that he would never in his life have it that way- he knew too well about her dreams of becoming a journalist. 

Somewhere around the fifteenth day, Kirsch entered the room. He looked terrified, especially when he looked at her. He had been a friend of hers for longer than she could believe- they used to share a crib as babies and had followed each other through all ups and downs.

(Neither of them saw this coming- again.) 

So seeing her looking the way she did was something completely new for him and it actually scared her to watch his reaction. It made her realize that it was wrong, all about her and _them_ were wrong. He wasted no time, rushed over to her and pulled her tiny self into his big arms and held her. He didn't say anything, just slowly rocked her back and forth while gently stroking her hair. That was the first, and only time, she cried a silent cry. That kind that undresses your every bit of strength until you're all naked and bare, the kind that opens up your soul to let the pain crush you from the inside out. He didn't say much, just held her until her tears were all soaked up by his t-shirt. 

(Last time, she was the one holding him.) 

Kirsch didn't have the reputation of being the brightest kid, but if there was anything he knew it was her, and he knew better than to say that it would be okay. She might have believed him if he had said it. She trusted him enough to put all of her trust in him and with it he could have given her a significant amount of hope. But he said nothing. Instead he let go of her and wiped a couple of stray tears on her cheeks, then, he turned to _her_. His eyes were dark and piercing. He shook his head, slowly. Then let go of her. She couldn't hear anything as he leaned down next to _her_ face. She could see his lips moving and the twitch in his forehead, the one that meant that he was angry. Furious even. Afterwards he sat down in the chair and pulled her into his arms. She fell asleep like that, held by the boy who had seen all sides of her, while holding onto the one person in this world who she wanted to introduce all those sides to. 

He did later confess that he had promised _her_ to kill _her_ himself if _she_ didn't wake up. 

On the twentieth day she had lost all sense of time and space. All she had left was a sense of _her_. Whom of course had always been her definition of time and space. She was sleep deprived, six pounds lighter, red eyed and lost in the concept of taking care of oneself. Because she had lost all sense of _her_. 

// 

Their third anniversary came and went spent in that white and naked room. With her reading out loud, because that´s one of the things _she_ had always loved. It made it better. It made it worse. She got through the first chapter of Mansfield Park with her voice cracking at the most innocent phrasings, but that was it. She ran out and didn't stop until her hands scratched the wall beside the entrance, hard October-winds pulling at her open shirt and brown hair. The beating heart in her cramped chest spelled the name of the girl with raven colored curls and as dark eyes as the sky the night they shared their first kiss. It told the story of an old and young love mixed with heavenly pleasures and bleeding scars. She didn't cry, couldn't cry, instead her fingers wrote their name over the rugged surface of that wall over and over while her heart found its way back to a semi-normal rhythm. 

It still whispered _her_ name in between uneven beats. 

She watched as the nurses came in like always around six. They checked _her_ vitals and blood pressure, listened to _her_ heart and flashed with a little light in _her_ eyes in an attempt to detect some activity. There was none. _She_ was still gone. They smiled the same way they always did- with empathy and tired sadness. The one who she figured was the head of nurses on the floor touched _her_ arm and when passing she touched her in the same way. 

Beside the bed, on the nightstand, stood the flowers she bought that morning. They were fake, just as fake as she wished that whole setting was. But all of what living at a hospital meant had become her reality. Because _she_ was the only reality she knew of. There´s some many ways of saying _I love you_ and just as many ways of saying _I'm sorry_ , this was one of them. She had not gotten used to it yet, hoped that she would never grow used to such a thing, but it help sometimes to just feel someone else. Someone who could respond to her touch. Something _she_ had not done for weeks. Maybe even months. She had lost count, didn't want to know how long she had been sitting, waiting, by _her_ bed, hoping for just a twitch in one of her fingers or an eyebrow. Just something to tell her that _she_ was there, even if it didn't seem like it, _she_ was there. Nothing was all she was given, over and over again. No response, that was what she heard the nurses say night after night, every morning and again at the check up around lunch. 

No response. No signs of activity. No changes. 

(They might as well have shoot her in the chest with a shotgun. That´s how it felt every single time.) 

// 

It has been one hundred days when the chef of neuro steps into the room, wearing a tired expression with a trained neutrality accompanied by the white coat and stethoscope hanging around his neck, like she doesn't know what it means. What he means. She stands and leaves the comfort of sitting next to _her_. He offers her his hand and she takes it while biting back a snarky comment. She just wants him to say it and be done with this. 

“Miss Hollis. I am sorry that I have to introduce myself under these circumstances”. 

“I'm sure you are”. He looks at her with a surprised look and she realizes that she actually said it out loud. She retracts her hand and pushes both of her hands down her front pockets. She has tried to prepare herself for this, but how do you do that when all you have left is focused on someone else. “If you don't mind, I don't want to drag this on”. 

“I understand”, he says and offers her a smile. Also well trained. She wonders how many times a day he has to do this, if he doesn't get tired of being the one to kill people´s hope and watch them break down because of his words. 

(She promised _her_ a long time ago that she wouldn't break down. Not here. Not with an audience.) 

“Miss Karnstein has been nonreactive for the last eighty days, her vitals have been improving but we had concerns about her brain damage. We ran every test there is and I am sorry to say this, we have not found any signs of brain activity. Which means that she is ultimately not alive, her body is but not her mind. Do you understand me, Miss Hollis?”. 

She nods, because her mouth went dry the exact moment he said _her_ name. It´s been so long since she last heard someone else say it. She still can't say it without her whole body contracting, like it´s fighting it. 

It´s crazy. _She's_ only a vessel. _She_ looks the same, just as _she_ did when _she_ used to sleep in her bed with _her_ hand thrown over her waist. _She_ looks alive, but Laura knows better than to let those thoughts root themselves in her. 

(They already have, a long time ago.) 

"We have been in contact with Miss Karnstein´s family”. 

“She doesn't have a family. _I am_ her family”, Laura says and honestly, it´s a reflex. Still, it makes her heart jump a beat and her eyes are drawn to the girl covered in white. It almost melts in with _her_ pale skin, but _her_ raven colored hair stands out with all the white. Even _her_ eyelashes would stand out if someone would take a picture of _her_ right now. _She_ beautiful like this. Laura has never been able to look at _her_ without thinking that _she_ was beautiful, maybe she's biased but it´s still the truth. _She_ can't not be beautiful, even if _she_ tries _her_ hardest. “I'm her family”, Laura repeats under her breath. 

“I know”, he says and Laura can't and doesn't bother to remember his name. After today it doesn't matter. After today, nothing will matter. 

“I talked to Mrs Karnstein and she apologizes for not being here”. 

I'm sure she does, Laura thinks and scoffs. Carmilla´s mother couldn't care any less about her daughter even if she was paid to do it. She hasn't cared since the day Carmilla came out. _Her_ brother wasn't that bad, but Laura knows that he´s out of state and probably out of the country at the moment. At least that was the plan when Carmilla talked to him a year ago. 

“She gave us permission to-”. 

“End her life?”, Laura interrupts and he jerks back. She doesn't let go off him with her burning gaze and when he finally nods she can feel it- her heart breaking in half. 

It takes every bit of her strength not to scream. 

“So how do you do it and when?”, she asks and every word is stained with hate. Who that hate is directed to is unclear, frankly, she hates the world and has done that every single day for the last three months. Maybe even before that in some sense. So she doesn't care about sounding proper or polite. 

He takes a step closer and nods the nurse at his side, she leaves the room and then there´s only them two. And _her_. He lets out a sigh and gives her a sad smile.

“It´s up to you”. 

Laura looks up from the floor and finds his eyes searching for hers. He looks old, or maybe just worn out, there´s signs of lack of sleep under his eyes, grey patterns in his hair and it looks like hasn't shaved for the last days. When he smiles again can Laura feel it again, she takes in a ragged breath and tries to suppress the pain. 

“It´s all up to you, Laura. Can I call you Laura?”, he says and she isn't sure how to respond. 

“Why?”, is all she can say and he lets go of her gaze. Instead he looks over at _her_. Laura does too and as she does, the pain wanders down and settles in the pit of her stomach. 

“Don't tell anyone, but I know what it´s like”, he says with a low voice. “To wait even though a part of you knows that the only thing that can happen is for it all to end. I know what you're going through”. 

“How?”. 

“She was drugged. She had not taken any kind of supplements even once and then one night when she was out with a couple of friends, someone slipped something into her drink and the next thing she was brought into the ER. I was the attendant and I just- I knew as soon as I saw her. But you hope anyway, you know”, he says and looks back at Laura with a half smile. 

“Yeah, you do”, she answers and moves over to the chair. She falls down into it like she always does and immediately takes _her_ hand. “How old was she?”, she asks quietly without looking at him. 

“Twenty three. We were engaged and had just bought a new apartment. It was like any other day”. 

Laura can hear the pain in his voice and she can't help but wonder if that´s how she'll sound in twenty years when someone asks her about _her_. About this. 

“I waited six months before I could do it”, he says and she understand even though she doesn't want to. She can't think of _that_. It hurts to much. “What are you thinking?”. 

Laura breathes out with a tremble and shakes her head as her eyes searches for some kind of reaction in _her_ face. Any kind of reaction. All _she_ has to do is to show them that _she_ is still here. That Laura doesn't have to do this. 

“I don't think I can do this”, she says and feels the prickle behind her eyes. The choice of falling apart doesn't seem to be her choice anymore. 

“It´s okay. We can wait, no rush”, he replies and Laura looks at him again. “All I need from you is that you consider the facts and how you want this to go. I will be here every step of the way, but I have found that most relatives want to be the one to do it. Especially when it has to do with these kinds of cases”, he continues with an old expression. She thinks it´s true- he has grown tired of doing this to people. 

“Isn't that against protocol or something? To let me do it I mean. I'm not a relative”, she asks and thinks back to every single episode of Grey's Anatomy that she made _her_ sit through. Like that´s a good reference. 

He smiles at her and it isn't that trained smile she received earlier. This is the kind that is actually means something. He leans forward with his elbows propped on the cradle of the bed as he answers with a light voice. “You have been her every single day and from what I have heard you have not left her side even though the nurses has threaten you with calling security”. Laura blushes and turns to _her_. 

There´s worst things she would do for _her_. 

“If that is not enough to make you a relative than I do not know who should be here. Certainly not her mother, that is for sure”, he says and Laura feels the twitch in the corner of her lips. She can hear him as he steps back and she turns back to him. 

“Yeah. Thank you”, she says and he nods as he corrects the stethoscope that had slipped down on one side. 

“No problem. Let me know when you have decided”. 

He closes the door and leaves Laura with a silence she never knew she needed until it penetrates her, making her body contract and clench to _her_ arm. _She_ feels warm and alive, but every thought in Laura´s mind tells her that it´s an illusion. That _she_ is in fact no longer _her_. 

Still, she clutches to that one thought, that one part of her that still believes, and maybe that´s okay. For now. Maybe that can save her from becoming someone who tells the story of the girl she lost to a drunk driver when she was eighteen. Maybe than can be okay. 

(It is. But it doesn't stop her from turning into that person.) 

// 

It has been ten days since the head of neuro paid a visit when, finally, she has worked up the courage and opens the door to the room. She walks like in a slumber to the reception on the floor and a kind pair of eyes looks up from the screen in front of them. 

“Hi honey. Do you need something?”, the nurse asks and Laura believes that her name is Clarice or something like that. She knows that she has been taking care of Carmilla, but after a while every nurse looked the same so Laura forgot about their names. 

She wets her lips and can feel the tension in her body. She's not ready for this, but she can't put it off any longer. It isn't fair to _her_. 

“I have decided”, she forces her tongue to produce through clenched teeth. 

The nurse looks at her with wide eyes filled with understanding and empathy, then she smiles a all too familiar smile and picks up the phone next to her. 

“I´ll call doctor Summer, you can wait in the room if you like”. 

Laura barely nods before she returns to the comfort of the white room and the chair by _her_ side. She hates hospitals, even this room, but at least this has _her_ in it and that is better than nothing at all. Laura can hear the ticking of the machines keeping _her_ alive, the sound that she used to have nightmares about but then learned to appreciate, in the end those are the only things that has kept _her_ here. Without them she would have lost _her_ a long time ago. 

(She doesn't know what would have been worse, to lose _her_ right away or go through this wait for an ending she has to decide on herself. All she knows is that she wouldn't want it to be easy. Nothing about losing _her_ could ever be easy.) 

_She_ looks like she's sleeping, as always. So relaxed and soft. Nothing like the hard faced _she_ so easily put up to keep the world at a distance. Laura had never believed in that, she had been able to see through the sarcasm and mystery from the beginning. Which of course both was the reason for her being pulled in and running away. Carmilla had been enchanting and mesmerizing, hard and soft at the same time, but of all the things _she_ was _she_ had always been Laura´s. Only Laura´s. 

_She_ would always be Laura´s. 

The door is opened with a careful hand and slight smile as doctor Summer steps in. He closes the door carefully and pulls down the curtains to the corridor, giving them the privacy Laura wished she didn't need. But she does. God, she really needs all of the privacy she can get at this point. Doctor Summer moves over the her side and gently touches her shoulder. 

“You ready?”. 

Laura snort and feels the tears as they build up in her throat. “Am I suppose to be?”. 

He only smiles and goes to stand on her other side, beside the machines and closer to _her_. He does one last check up and then turns back to Laura who switched off for a moment. She shakes her head as he takes her hand and places it over one of _hers_. She slowly melts into the touch and finds herself back in the white room. He waits for her to straighten up and find his gaze, only then does he point over to the main machine and points to the different buttons and controls. 

“Push this button when you are ready. It might take a couple of minutes before she stops breathing, but that is normal. When that happens this will start to beep and then you can shut it off by pressing this button. Okay?”. 

“Okay”, Laura repeats and breathes out heavily. 

He takes her shoulder and squeezes it while looking at her with a warm gaze. “I´ll be right outside if you need me”. 

Laura nods and he smiles one last time before heading for the door, but she turns around and stops him before he´s out of range. “Thank you, doctor Summer”, she exhales with the smallest sign of a smile on her lips. He nods and when she lets go of his arm she can feel the silence again. 

The door closes and they are left alone once again, as they have been so many times before, only this time she won´t just sit in that chair and wait for the unavoidable. But there is where she ends up anyway. She sits there and watches _her_ for longer than her body cares to remember. She can't help but see the fifteen year old with _her_ innocence glowing through _her_ pitch dark eyes, hear the joy in _her_ voice and the nervousness to _her_ inexperienced touch. Her eyes falls on the scar above _her_ right eye that _she_ got that time they tried to bicycle under influence and fell on their asses, the morning after there was still traces of blood on _her_ pretty face even though she had tried to wipe it all away, when she went in to wash it away _she_ went in for a kiss instead and they found themselves on the floor, for the next hour or so. 

It was truly a sweet sixteenth. 

Being seventeen had been boring and a waste of time, time they more than gladly spent exploring all the ways of pushing their friends to the border of insanity. Yet, she had never felt more happy than in _her_ arms. No matter the year, age or time. As long as it was _her_ Laura couldn't have been happier. 

She remembers the day. That day. It wasn't like in the movies where the couple has a big fight and one of them runs out, hours later the one left at home gets a call and has to rush to the hospital only to find their loved one in a hospital bed. 

It was nothing like that. 

It had been a normal day, just like any other. Laura came home late the night before after a night out with her co-workers and Mr Anchard, she had more or less stumbled in at 3 am and ended up falling asleep on her stomach fully dressed and still wearing her sneakers. So she was well out of it when night turned into morning and the sun found its way into their bedroom. Carmilla had left early for her morning class, with a kiss to Laura´s temple and a note on her yellow pillow _she_ left the house before the clock turned 7.30. It had been a simple _I love you_ written in her neat style for Laura to wake up to three hours later, it brought a smile to her lips and a warmth to her heart. It was one of those days when Laura didn't have any classes, but loads of work to do and the night shift at the coffee shop. Which meant that she spent most of the day by her computer in the bed, hidden under all of her books and notes. It had been a normal day, like any other. Carmilla had sent a text at lunch saying that _her_ last class was canceled and that _she_ would pick up lunch on the way home. Laura, in her world of journalism and the project she had to finish, didn't pay much attention to the time and how it passed. Until, her phone rang and it was an unknown number. 

She can feel her heart beat picking up in intensity and her chest aching. Just as it had that day when she got that call. 

With one look at _her_ and Laura falls into a deep cry, hands clutching to _her_ arm while she begs any and every god to wake _her_ up. To just wake _her_ up. But it has been too long. Too much time spent in a room that didn't belong to their little apartment. She had cried too many times and wished for it all to end too many days, cried over that, and then cried again because who in their right mind would want their loved one to die. Too much has happened for her to believe in anything that could possible get them out of this situation. So she stops begging, wipes her tears away and sits straight.

With a sigh and slight shiver going through her body she moves her hands up, slowly caressing _her_ arm and up to _her_ shoulder, _her_ strong jawline and finally her hand cups _her_ cheek. _She´s_ warm and radiant. Laura takes in a shaky breath and her eyes follow the path her hands wandered, until they have locked onto _her_ calm face. 

Her lungs feels heavy in her chest and she jerks away in an attempt to collect herself. At least what's left of her old self. She remembers so much about _them_ , about _their_ life, all the flying over skyscrapers and digging for air deep down in the mud. She remembers all the bad and every single bit that was good. It is imprinted on her mind, written all over her heart and tattooed over her ribs in that neat penmanship. All of _her_ is written over Laura´s body, in words, in kisses, with sighs, with moans, with _”see you soon”_ ´s. There isn't an inch of Laura´s body that hasn't been touched by Carmilla´s body and soul. Everything about Laura is stained by the colors only Carmilla can bring.

That´s why she feels a growing fear in her stomach. An question of what happens now, what happens when the one who made me who I am dies, what happens to the parts of me that belongs to _her_ , what happens when what´s keeping me alive no longer is alive? 

She doesn't want to know. Knowing such things only makes life harder, only makes what she has to do so much harder. She can't deal with that, not now not ever. So she takes a deep breath and goes to stand up, better to do it before she changes her mind again. She can hear doctor Summers words and her eyes finds the button he showed her. 

“Push this button when you are ready”, he had told her. 

It´s green and doesn't look like much, but reaching for it feels like reaching for the moon. Only, she does reach it this time and a moment later she has pushed it. Nothing happens. So she sinks back down into the chair and turns back to _her_. She thought that she would have a lot more to say, but all she feels is empty, tired and cold. That´s what makes her relax into it all, to give in and lean up to _her_ face. She places a kiss to her temple, one to her cheek and lastly, one to her still lips. 

“I love you”, she whispers as the room is filled with an utter silence that breaks her inside in a thousand shards. 

The silence breaks as the machine lets out a piercing sound. Laura lets it be, it´s the only thing that makes her believe that this isn't just one of her nightmares. Only it is and it´s true. 

Her heart whispers the eight letter name once more, followed by an aching _goodbye_. 

(It´s a farewell directed to the girl who stole her heart and to the girl Laura once was, the one she'll never be again.)


End file.
